Never Too Young to Die

Never too Young to Die Poster
Get it on laser disc today.

So, Condor didn’t work out, but that’s ok, because Never Too Young to Die exists.  You can watch this one on Youtube.  Also made in 1986, Never Too Young to Die is much better than Condor.  John Stamos stars as Lance Stargrove, a gymnast in college or boarding school or something, whose father is a secret agent trying to defeat an evil hermaphroditic Gene Simmons.  When Lance’s dad is KIA, he must pick up his dead dad’s slack, and become a world-famous super agent.  I don’t want to spoil too much about this movie, because it is pretty fantastic.

Never too young to die Stamos and Vanity
Action Boy.

Simmons plays Velvet Von Ragner, and he is actually pretty good in this role.  Ragner intends to poison the city’s water supply FOREVER, unless LAnce can stop him.  Although Lance initially rejects his destiny, he soon finds out that being a super-agent is awesome.  Together with Danja Deerling (played by Destiny) and his Asian roommate (surprise, he’s a tech-wiz) Cliff, Lance proves he’s worthy of his father’s legacy, while Stamos shows off why he’s not really known for being an action star.

Never too young to die Rob and Gene
The people of nightmares.

Also, Robert Englund is here!

Never Too Young to Die has its own theme song, too.  It may get stuck in your head because it’s entirely great.  Unfortunately, this movie is not available on DVD.  When it is, though, this is one I’d like to have in my collection. Hopefully, it remains on Youtube.

Condor

Condor Chris Proctor
Ray Wise as CONDOR

Who knew that a movie starring Ray Wise could suck?  Well, here it is, the made-for-TV Condor.  This is not a promising way to start a movie write-up, but I am not going to sugarcoat it for you.  To be fair, I guess, this is not a theatrical film, it is essentially the lengthy pilot episode of a TV show that never happened.  It has all of the pilot episode tropes you could hope for.

Condor Arm Wrestling
Proctor’s solution to everything: Arm Wrestle

Wise plays Chris Proctor, who lives in the futuristic future Los Angeles, 1999.  1999 as 1986 saw it… so, you have cars that drive themselves, ’80s clothes, jet packs, car phones, droids…  You can even call a fast food place ahead of time and place an order, so your food is ready when you get there (?).  Proctor is a grumpy guy who works for an organization called Condor (because “there just aren’t that many of us old birds left.”).  He is grumpy because his partner just died.  We don’t know how, exactly, nor do we ever know what his partner’s name was.  So, you can imagine how angry Proctor gets when his boss reveals his new partner… and she’s a WOMAN!

Condor James Avery
James Avery is Cas the Computer Guy. He’s not a computer.

She’s not just a woman, though, her name is LISA!  And also she’s a robot.  At least, they say she’s a robot.  Well, grumpy old Proctor doesn’t like this one bit, so he challenges the robo-lady to an arm wrestling match to decide whether or not he actually has to partner up with her.  After being humiliated by a woman/robot, Proctor goes into detective mode, dressed in future clothes, to find out what his arch-nemesis, the Black Widow is up to.  She escaped prison using a jet-pack during the overly long opening scene of the movie.  Her plan revolves around using the sewers to hijack drones and blow up the city.

Condor Jail Break
Future Robo Prison Guards

The least you need to know:

  • Condor is a ridiculous vision of the remarkably ’80s-inspired future
  • Proctor keeps almost falling in love with Lisa
  • Proctor hates dames and tries to dominate them by arm wrestling
  • Computer hacking!
  • This movie overestimates Google’s development timeline

Should you watch this one?  Eh, it’s fairly milquetoast.  I don’t regret watching it, but it may bore people with a lower tolerance for this sort of thing.

Get it on Amazon.

Rappin’

Rappin Cool Jacket
He got this jacket for saving Rebecca and Jill.

What most people don’t know is that the Breakin’ movies are very nearly a trilogy, and that the third one is the best.  Aside from Ice-T, Rappin’ features an all new cast in an all new setting.  Mario van Peebles plays John Hood, an ex-convict who returns home to find his neighborhood overrun with hoodlums and evil developers.  John is not just an ex-convict, though, he is also a rappist.  In fact, people start calling him “Rappin’ Hood,” and he uses his rappin’ skills to rap from the rich and give to the poor.  This movie has low production values, Peebles rapping (it’s amazing), and goofy fight scenes/interactions with the rival gang leader named Duane.

Rappin Merry Men
Serious people on the serious streets, Hood’s merry men.

Peebles and Ice-T are not the only giant stars in this movie, though.  Eriq La Salle is here, as is the late, great Harry Goz (who, unfortunately, never raps).  The plot of this one is pretty similar to Breakin’ 2‘s, but the emphasis on rappin’ over dancin’, and the grittier tone, makes this the better movie.  As with the characters in Breakin’, Rappin’ Hood could have easily solved his problems by getting a job- in his case, he has an opportunity (somehow) to get a recording contract, but he is just too short-sighted to do it.

Rappin Duane
Duane. He and Hood fight over this girl in the men’s room.

The end credits sequence of Rappin’, in my mind, nearly rivals Buckaroo Bonzai’s, as John Hood and his entourage walk the streets and other characters rap the epilogue to them.  This movie is another example of what the ’80s were capable of getting right about movies.  Rappin’ is definitely worth watching, and I would even say that it is worth owning on DVD.

Get it on Amazon.

Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo

Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo Poster
The magic starts here. Also, reading is cool.

Growing up, this was the quintessential bad movie.  Of course, this was before people really understood what truly constitutes a bad movie.  Generally speaking, though, regular jackoffs probably won’t really like the follow-up to the hit film Breakin’.

Breakin 2 Ozone
Shnyeh.

If you haven’t seen Breakin’, you don’t really need to worry about it, because this sequel begins with all the exposition you will need to get caught up.  The story is not too important, because the movie is mostly an excuse for dancers to get paid to act instead of getting real jobs.  The three main characters, Kelly (aka Special K), Ozone, and Turbo all return, but Kelly has made something of her life, while Turbo and Ozone continue to be dance bums.  They could get jobs, but they would much rather dance and hang out with children.

Breakin 2 Turbo
Turbo and his dream girl

Kelly’s reunion with her forgotten friends quickly turns into the movie’s plot, though, as an evil developer sets his sights on the dilapidated and structurally unsound community center that Ozone and Turbo run.  Now, the trio is forced to find a way to save the center and stop the demolitions crew.  Of course, they attempt to do this with dance.  Dance solves everything. There is actually a pretty decent scene where Turbo defies physics and dances on the walls and ceiling of his room, where, if I understand correctly, he shares a bed with Ozone.  Their relationship is a little ambiguous at times.

Breakin 2 Serious Streets
These guys are serious. Take them serious.

Breakin’ 2 has some fairly absurd moments and ridiculous dialog,  it’s cheesy and full of spandex, but it utilizes a lot of ’80s movie tropes, too.  Watching it 30 years after its release, you won’t see too many things you haven’t seen before, though I think that if you had watched it in the ’80s, it would not have been all that revolutionary, either.  Its old status as the worst movie ever made is hardly deserved, though.  It’s not even the worst sequel ever made, even in its own time.  People just were not aware of worse movies, or maybe the title/premise of this one was an easy target.

Breakin 2 Ozone is serious and cool.
SERIOUS.

Things to note about this movie:

  • Ebert gave it 3 stars.  Out of 4.
  • It’s a Golan-Globus production
  • Ice-T is in this movie (he was in the last one, too)
  • It was directed by Sam Firstenberg (American Ninja, American Samurai, Cyborg Cop)

In the end, I would say that Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo is worth watching once, but it does not really compare to the next film…

Get it on Amazon.