Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Hard Ticket to Hawaii Poster
Is it Hard to Get to Haaaaaawaaaaaiiiii?

This is my movie of the month. I know I don’t do a movie of the month, but Hard Ticket to Hawaii is, anyway. Made by Andy Sidaris as part of a 12 movie project, it is brilliant from the first lines of dialog to the last bit of action. Hopefully, the other 11 movies are anywhere as close to as good as this one, and I can buy them in one big collection. It is one of those “the less I say about it the better it is” type films. I don’t want to give anything away, and while you can find some great clips on youtube, you should really just consider watching the movie itself, because Andy Sidaris knew what he was doing. I want this movie in my collection.

Hard Ticket to Hawaii Best Guy
Oooooooh yeeeeeeeah

The least you need to know:

  • Frisbees can be dangerous.
  • Ladies just get naked, that’s fine.
  • If you have a rocket launcher, you may as well use it.
  • Watch out for [contaminated] snakes!
  • You can watch it on youtube!

 

Double Impact

Double Impact Two Twins
Two Brothers

Ok, here we go. Jean-Claude van Damme stars as both protagonists. Two twins, separated as babies after the Triad killed their parents. One brother runs an LA-based martial arts business, while the other is a criminal in Hong Kong. Geoffrey Lewis reunites them, and together, they must commit crimes and also stop crimes and also revenge, because their parents died by murder from the Triad, and revenge happens.

Double Impact Identical Brothers
A hotdog makes him lose control.

van Damme plays Chad and Alex, two totally different twins, with different personalities and motives (and the exact same accent, despite one being raised in the US and the other in China). Critics considered this a gimmick, sticking two van Dammes into a mediocre action movie, but critics are jaded nobodies, and you should watch this movie, anyway. Commercially, it was a pretty big success, largely because movie-goers know a good movie when they see one. Van Damme actually wants to make a sequel, even though everyone forgot about this movie 50 years ago, and I hope he gets the green light. Two twin movies about two twins, Double Impact Double Feature. We have 4 Expendables movies and only 1 Double Impact. Absurd.

Double Impact If Ya Know What I Mean
Llllllllllllllllllllladies.

Bolo Yeung is in this movie, too. He goes around being Bolo Yeung at van Damme, who is going around being two van Dammes. Although the movie lacks any kind of tournament, this is probably one of van Damme’s better films. We actually watched this one on accident- out intent was to watch Double Team, a van Damme movie where he also plays Dennis Rodman, and stars alongside Micky Rourke, which sounds brilliant. Double Team is not Double Impact, but we watched it anyway. Incidentally, van Damme was in Breakin’, which spawned Breakin’s 2 Electric Boogaloo and Rappin’.

Double Impact Two van Dammes
They didn’t clone him, these are just special effects.

You want some advice? Take your fancy clothes and your black silk underwear and go back to Disneyland.

Amen to that.

Get it on Amazon.

Basket Case 3: The Progeny

Bast Case 3 Belial
Belial Spaghetti Party

Congratulations, me, I watched this movie. Basket Case 3. The Progeny. The whole thing. I haven’t covered Basket Case 2, and this movie is a direct sequel to it, but just watch Basket Case, and then stop. While this movie has some merits, you are better off, your time better spent, watching Freaked. Even if you have seen Freaked 10 or 12 times, just watch it again.

Basket Case 3 Cop Killer
This makes the movie seem enticing, but…

OR, watch the original Basket Case, which successfully succeeds at being the kind of movie it needs to be. Then, if you must, hop over to youtube and find a short collection of clips from Basket Case 3, like the murders in the police station. DO NOT, however, mistake these scenes as a reason to watch the whole movie, because aside from a few good mutants, baby Belials, and a Belial mech, there are better ways to spend your night. BUH-LYLE.

Here’s the link, in CASE it shows up on Amazon.

Starcrash

Starcrash Opening Scene
The movie starts, unfamiliarly, like this.

Starcrash is Best Choice Star Wars. There is nothing I can say about it that the movie itself doesn’t say 10 times better. I found it via Gary Arthur Brown, who said “It’s like if Star Wars and Barbarella had a baby and then dropped it on its head.” A lot of people use the “baby dropped on its head” analogy, but in this case, Starcrash really is that baby. The Italian title, Scontri stellari oltre la terza dimensione, translates to “stellar clashes beyond the third dimension,” which is what they should have called the movie in English. Watch this movie and tell me it may as well not be called “Stellar clashes beyond the third dimension.” Just try. Someone opted for Starcrash, though. The US title was actually “The Adventures of Stella Star,” which is okay, but not great. Stella Star is the protagonist, but never totally feels like one.

Starcrash Amazon Guard Robot
Then this happened.

So, the movie does not start out like Star Wars at all, and the plot is totally different. Stella Star, a smuggler, and her sidekick are on the run from the Imperial Space Police, and they use hyperspace to escape, which never happens in Star Wars. Stella’s sidekick is NOT a Jedi, but he can use some type of strange… force… and he has a… I don’t want to call it a light sabre, but it’s a sword with a blade made out of energy, I guess. After being hired by the Emperor of the Galaxy (Christopher Plummer) to track down his son, David Hasselhoff, Stella, the not-Jedi, and robotic space sheriff Elle travel to a bunch of planets no one cares about, all with silly themes. There is an ice planet, an Amazon world, and a tribe/cavemen planet. Oh, and a weapon the size of a planet, but it is not a Death Star.

Starcrash Light Saber
Not the droid he was… no, wait, that implies Star Wars…

Then, the whole thing wraps up with space fortress battles. Space fortresses have single pane glass windows, and when you break them, no one gets sucked into space. The Emperor can also stop time for a while, which should make winning really easy. I would be a bad person if I didn’t recommend this movie. Plagued by financing problems, and the production company it was made for DECLINED to release it after they saw it. Fortunately, another company did release it, and now, here we are, 35 years later, and you have probably never heard of it. While a little dry in places, the movie is, overall, worth watching, especially if you have seen Star Wars because it is a really original space adventure movie. The special effects are impressive, too.

Starcrash Head
I’m not totally sure who this head is, but he’s in the movie.

Here’s the link, in case it shows up on Amazon.