Batman and Robin

Batman and Robin Mr. Freeze gets a diamond
One for the money, two for the SNOW.

Ugh.  Surely you have seen Batman  & Robin by now.  It is famously bad, and I have seen it more than a few times.  I think that this time, though, may have proved to be one too many.  While the movie is awful in many ways that I love, it makes 2 hours seem like an eternity.  How much bad can you cram into a single movie before it becomes totally awful?  Batman & Robin tries its hardest to find out.  This movie is like the imagination of a couple of kids with an armload of action figures and play sets turned into an actual reality, with living, breathing people.  Living, breathing people you do not care about, except for maybe Alfred, who is dying of MacGreggor’s Syndrome, just like Mr. Freeze’s wife- I bet you can’t guess where that plot point is headed.

Batman and Robin BAIN
Enjoy Bain Cereal. It’s got toxins children crave.

People usually focus on the fact that Batman and Robin’s suits feature nipples, but this should be the least of your concerns.  Batman has ice skates is his boots, Mr. Freeze has a rocket ship, and Bain communicates in slightly varying intonations of his own name, just like a Pokemon.  It’s like the makers of this movie had been dared to out-camp the old Adam West Batman, and out-camped the shit out of it.  They out-camped it so hard that the guy who dared them to do it imploded.  This is out-and-out buffoonery.  I just used the word “buffoonery,” and I feel bad about it, but there are not too many other words I can throw at this movie to drive my point to you.  Goddamn buffoonery.

Batman and Robin Credit Card
Oooook, we’re done here.

Batman has a Batman credit card.

Batman and Robin and Coolio
Hey, there’s Coolio. Great.

Alicia Silverstone is here, too, as Batgirl.  She is an underground motorcycle racer and computer expert.  She exclaims “HI-YAH” while judo flipping what’s-his-face, the guy who played Robin.  Chris O’Donnell.  She tries to access Alfred’s encrypted files by guessing that his password is Alfred.  Robin gets FROZEN SOLID, but he is ok because Batman thaws him out with a vat of water that he heats with a laser.  Alfred designs a very form-fitting costume for his niece just in case she wants to be a super hero, too (hinting that there’s probably a reason he has encrypted files, and his password isn’t just “Alfred”).  Poison Ivy makes everyone want to have sex with her then gets eaten by a plant.   George Clooney plays himself.

Batman and Robin and Batgirl
Batman and Robin and also Batgirl, more like.

This is a big budget debacle.  I remembered it being good-bad, and to an extent, it is, but it is too long.  There are too many one-liners, too many stupid plot points, too… it’s just stupid.  It needs about 45 minutes shaved off of it to make it acceptable (incidentally, I wrote this before I learned that Superman IV was trimmed).  The magic wears off, and before you know it, you’re bored, and Mr. Freeze hasn’t even teamed up with Poison Ivy yet.  Forget about it.

Get it on Amazon.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *