Firehead

Firehead Laser Eyes
Let me just heat this rock up for you.

In the late 80’s, the Soviets had a guy who could shoot lasers out of his eyes, and they called him Firehead. When Firehead refuses to kill a bunch of Estonians, he defects to the west to find a free country to live in and probably also to avoid Soviet retribution. Skip ahead two years and Firehead is blowing up munitions factories for “unknown reasons.” Jack Lemmon is here, playing Warren Hart, and the movie mostly follows him trying to track Firehead down and ask him why he’s blowing everything up. Warren is a chemist, by the way, obviously your first choice in tracking down a dangerous laser eye man. Crazy, right? Well, they know it doesn’t make a lot of sense, and that’s why they team their chemist up with a sexy lady assassin. I mean an assassin who’s a sexy lady, not an assassin who kills sexy ladies. She’s in the military, or something.  Somehow, Martin Landau and Christopher Plummer are also in this movie.

Firehead's eyes
Hie thee, villains! I’m FIREHEAD.

Warren’s only friend in the movie is a horrible little girl whose voice makes you want to die. She helps him solve science and look for Firehead. REALLY read everything I’ve written so far. The movie’s called Firehead, I shouldn’t even have to justify it.  Firehead can shoot lasers, stop bullets, and even, out of nowhere, teleport.   There’s a secret society planning to use Firehead’s destruction of munitions facilities to their advantage so they can take over the world.  I don’t know.  Also, Firehead has his own theme song, and it’s entirely awesome.  You could definitely watch this movie on its own, but there’s a Rifftrax version, too, and they do a pretty good job of getting you through the movie’s lulls.  Firehead is worth watching.

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