Never Too Young to Die

Never too Young to Die Poster
Get it on laser disc today.

So, Condor didn’t work out, but that’s ok, because Never Too Young to Die exists.  You can watch this one on Youtube.  Also made in 1986, Never Too Young to Die is much better than Condor.  John Stamos stars as Lance Stargrove, a gymnast in college or boarding school or something, whose father is a secret agent trying to defeat an evil hermaphroditic Gene Simmons.  When Lance’s dad is KIA, he must pick up his dead dad’s slack, and become a world-famous super agent.  I don’t want to spoil too much about this movie, because it is pretty fantastic.

Never too young to die Stamos and Vanity
Action Boy.

Simmons plays Velvet Von Ragner, and he is actually pretty good in this role.  Ragner intends to poison the city’s water supply FOREVER, unless LAnce can stop him.  Although Lance initially rejects his destiny, he soon finds out that being a super-agent is awesome.  Together with Danja Deerling (played by Destiny) and his Asian roommate (surprise, he’s a tech-wiz) Cliff, Lance proves he’s worthy of his father’s legacy, while Stamos shows off why he’s not really known for being an action star.

Never too young to die Rob and Gene
The people of nightmares.

Also, Robert Englund is here!

Never Too Young to Die has its own theme song, too.  It may get stuck in your head because it’s entirely great.  Unfortunately, this movie is not available on DVD.  When it is, though, this is one I’d like to have in my collection. Hopefully, it remains on Youtube.

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