Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Santa Conquers the Children
Not too different from Earth children.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the sort of movie that reminds me why I love the sort of movies I love.  Santa CONQUERS the Martians.  He doesn’t befriend them, or teach them a lesson, he topples their monuments and ravages their women and makes the Martians his slaves.  At least, that’s what I was expecting.  Instead, Santa is kidnapped by Martians because…

Santa Conquers Certain Death
Santa is dim-witted and oblivious.

See, on Mars, things are rigid and structured.  Starting in infancy, children have their educations fed straight into their brains via computers (this movie was advanced for 1964).  All of this structure, though, is leading children to rebel by watching too much Earth TV.  So, the adults consult their 800 year old Martian sage, Chochem, who thinks that children should probably have more freedom, and be allowed to have fun.  The guy’s 800 years old, and he just figured this out.

Santa laughs at the fact that you think he’ll take “no” for an answer.

Obviously, the best way to go about this is to kidnap Santa Claus… but, there’s a lot of fake Santas on Earth, so how do you find the right one?  You kidnap a couple of kids and make them find him for you.  They get the real Santa, but then Voldar decides he doesn’t like this entire plan, and he repeatedly tries to kill Santa and the kids.

Santa Conquers Dirty Martians
Ugh. I don’t care if it’s racist, look at these guys.

Martians have names like Kimar, Momar, Girmar, Bomar, Chochem, Voldar, Shim, Stobo, and Dropo.  It’s hard to argue with that.  This movie speaks for itself.  It often winds up on Worst Movies of All Time lists, which is completely unfair.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is much, much better than a lot of the crap Hollywood churns out.  It’s even spawned a book and a musical.

Santa Conquers All
S’what conquering looks like, I guess.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 screened this movie, and that’s all well and good, but you can watch and enjoy Santa Conquers the Martians on its own, too.  In fact, you can download it for free RIGHT HERE, totally legally.  It’s public domain.  Enjoy.

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