Starcrash

Starcrash Opening Scene
The movie starts, unfamiliarly, like this.

Starcrash is Best Choice Star Wars. There is nothing I can say about it that the movie itself doesn’t say 10 times better. I found it via Gary Arthur Brown, who said “It’s like if Star Wars and Barbarella had a baby and then dropped it on its head.” A lot of people use the “baby dropped on its head” analogy, but in this case, Starcrash really is that baby. The Italian title, Scontri stellari oltre la terza dimensione, translates to “stellar clashes beyond the third dimension,” which is what they should have called the movie in English. Watch this movie and tell me it may as well not be called “Stellar clashes beyond the third dimension.” Just try. Someone opted for Starcrash, though. The US title was actually “The Adventures of Stella Star,” which is okay, but not great. Stella Star is the protagonist, but never totally feels like one.

Starcrash Amazon Guard Robot
Then this happened.

So, the movie does not start out like Star Wars at all, and the plot is totally different. Stella Star, a smuggler, and her sidekick are on the run from the Imperial Space Police, and they use hyperspace to escape, which never happens in Star Wars. Stella’s sidekick is NOT a Jedi, but he can use some type of strange… force… and he has a… I don’t want to call it a light sabre, but it’s a sword with a blade made out of energy, I guess. After being hired by the Emperor of the Galaxy (Christopher Plummer) to track down his son, David Hasselhoff, Stella, the not-Jedi, and robotic space sheriff Elle travel to a bunch of planets no one cares about, all with silly themes. There is an ice planet, an Amazon world, and a tribe/cavemen planet. Oh, and a weapon the size of a planet, but it is not a Death Star.

Starcrash Light Saber
Not the droid he was… no, wait, that implies Star Wars…

Then, the whole thing wraps up with space fortress battles. Space fortresses have single pane glass windows, and when you break them, no one gets sucked into space. The Emperor can also stop time for a while, which should make winning really easy. I would be a bad person if I didn’t recommend this movie. Plagued by financing problems, and the production company it was made for DECLINED to release it after they saw it. Fortunately, another company did release it, and now, here we are, 35 years later, and you have probably never heard of it. While a little dry in places, the movie is, overall, worth watching, especially if you have seen Star Wars because it is a really original space adventure movie. The special effects are impressive, too.

Starcrash Head
I’m not totally sure who this head is, but he’s in the movie.

Here’s the link, in case it shows up on Amazon.

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