The Apple

To celebrate the launch of Assassin’s Creed 4, let’s talk about The Apple.

The Apple Cool 90's Party
Cool ’90s Party.

The year is 1980, and the U.S. is about to enter the most magical era in all of human history.  Before it can, though, it needs to let go of the ’70s.  The only way to do this is to release one last pseudo-disco sci-fi rock opera epic.  Enter: The Apple, a low budget Biblical allegory built around the theme of conformity v. rebellion.  Whether you hate musicals, or you enjoy some of them, there’s no reason to like this movie… unless camp-value is important to you at all.

The Apple it's an Apple
The aforementioned apple.

Alphi and Bibi are an awful folk rock duo from Canada who have traveled to America to battle it out on American Idol (read: the Worldvision Song Festival in the year 1994).  So, we’re treated to an awesome vision of a sort of dystopian ’90s as imagined by a dying era.  Even though they are absolutely HORRIBLE, and no one would ever think they were good, let alone great, Alphi and Bibi are WINNING THE COMPETITION.  That is, until BIM interferes.  BIM.  You’ll be hearing that word a lot.  Boogalow International Music, aka BIM, is a record company and possibly an oppressive totalitarian empire, and everyone likes them even though there’s nothing to like about them.  Sort of like Apple.

The Apple Devil
Spoiler alert: turns out he’s the devil.

Defeated through trickery, Alphi and Bibi are sad, but then Mr. Boogalow (a word Alphi is never able to properly pronounce) offers them a record deal.  Alphi has a vision of the apocalypse and declines, while Bibi dives right in to a world of hell orgies and really fun drug use.  The rest of the movie has Alphi being ineffectual and useless while living in a small apartment and flirting with his elderly landlord, but eventually rescuing Bibi so that they can live with a community of bums until Mr. Topps/God arrives in a flying car to take all the good people to live on a new planet.  The movie ended with me feeling like I’d been initiated into Mormonism.

The Apple God's Arrival
So then God arrives in his sky car.

It’s worth watching, and there’s a Rifftrax version.  Would I watch it more than once?  I’m not sure.

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