The Order of the Black Eagle

Order of the Black Eagle Surrender
Here’s your hero, giving up while seducing banditos.

The Order of the Black Eagle is a sequel to Unmasking the Idol, which I’ve never seen, and I’m not sure I need to see.  Released in the magical year of 1987, this movie is an action-man super spy v. neo-nazis yarn, featuring a hero named Duncan Jax.  He’s a 007 sort of guy, complete with baboon sidekick.  Dangerous animals make great sidekicks, especially when they wear tuxedos and can drive a tank.  That sounds awesome, but unfortunately, it’s not THAT awesome.  Jax also collects a group of Expendables: Bolt, Cowboy, Hammer, Juice, Special Delivery, and Spike.  They all have special powers based on their names, except none of the powers are powers at all.  For example, Cowboy wears a cowboy hat.  Juice drinks a lot of alcohol.  Spikes wears spikes.  It’s like a bunch of Metal Gear characters the designers never, ever showed their bosses.

Order of the Black Eagle Man and Monkey
Cool guy with Baboon Friend. Sexy ladies man.

This movie seemed full of potential, and I went in with high expectations.  What little I’d heard about it told me that The Order of the Black Eagle was going to be a really good bad movie.  It fell a bit short of that, though.  Actually, it comes close to being boring.  Scenes with the heroes pushing a bus that’s stuck in the mud, fighting in hovercrafts, or just waving a bra around to defeat bad guys really make the movie drag on and on.

Order of the Black Eagle Villain
Orson Welles as Perry Mason as an egg soaked in ham juice.

There’s some stuff about a proton beam and whatever, plus the nazis, now residing in South America and lead by an eyepatch-wearing Perry Mason figure, have a cryogenically frozen Hitler in their base.  The last 30 or so minutes are where the movie really shines- lots of guns, lots of explosions, Hitler gets a Bionic Commando-style scene that’s great, AND a stunt man gets his head run over by one of the heroes.  Yep, one of the actors runs over a stunt man’s head, and they kept that in the movie.

Order of the Black Eagle Baboon
One more baboon picture.

This isn’t a long review.  I could go on about this or that, but why bother?  The Order of the Black Eagle is worth watching once, but it’s not for everyone.  Even if you like bad movies… this one has some good qualities, but it never really manages to earn a spot in Valhalla.

It’s not currently available on Amazon, but here’s the link just in case.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *